Gnome Entitlement

Off to Ol' Shudiff

We’re going to Shudiff,
You know it be rude if
you don’t tell us which way to go.

We’re off to ol’ Shudiff
We’ll get of this ol’ skiff
At the whore house, our seeds, we’ll sow

We’re leaving damned Shudiff
My manhood, it does itch
And now it burns when I pee.

Mama ....I just killed a man
and then like 200 more!!!

Morning: So me and Ollie stole like, the coolest elf stuff from those rich gnomes. Everything went sooooo smooth. We even tricked some dumb human guard and got him to follow us into the woods. And holy shit, we slaughtered him in the blink of an eye. I jumped up on his back and stabbed him in the heart, while Ollie slid under his legs and disemboweled him. It was bloody and gory and basically the best moment of my whole entire life. Anyways, we got all this cool elf stuff and we had it hanging underneath one of the wagons, so that no one would find it. Then, like, all of a sudden, these little gibbering plant bastards and goblins started attacking us, and Kiri was all like PEEKEW POW POOCHOO or whatever. It wasn’t as impressive as everyone else makes it sound. Like, I’m pretty sure I can do all of that. Either way, we started fighting like crazy barbarians!

Anyways, so we obviously slaughtered like all 900 million of them, but not before they stole some shit of Phee’s. And of COURSE, guess who has to go get it back? Us! And by us I mean Ollie and me, plus that felching girl and the foxy one. It was mostly garbage so I don’t know why we had to get it back, except for one thing. Her sweet sweet lute. I want to play with it so bad… I wonder if it’s elven? I dont even care if it’s elven, I’m going to play the shit out of it. Anyways, off to find Phee’s stupid garbage. Not exactly what I had planned when I joined a circus. I’ll write more after we do this.

Not morning: HOLY. FUCKING. RATBALLS. OK! So, we just killed an entire city of goblins. There was fire, sweet sweet balls of fire that rained down from the ceiling. I don’t even know how! I’m pretty sure that the foxy lady did that somehow. I’ll have to ask her later. OH, I made an abalanche, and it squished a dude. Unfortunately, it also squished the sweet baby dragon he was riding. I wanted to save the baby dragon, (Which I named Mr Cuddles), but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, OLLIE said we had to KILL it because it was bleeding and crippled and dying or something. So I cut its throat, and like, TWO SECONDS LATER, BAM! Health potion. I could be writing this from the back of a god damn dragon, but instead I’m walking around like some common rat.

Me and Ollie are basically the best out of everyone though. I mean, sure, foxy made a cave explode with fire and stuff, but she also got stabbed in the gut by looking in a dark hole. What a dumb dumb. I never look in dark holes without making Ollie do it first. Anyways, so we killed all the dumb goblins, got Phee’s stuff back, and SOMEHOW, a string broke. And then another one. I’m not pointing tails, but if I remember correctly, it was totally absolutely 100% Ollie.

Also, diary…. I don’t know if I ever told anyone this, not even Ollie… but I didn’t always wanna be the super master thief assassin that I am today… when I was a little baby rat…. I wanted to dance. DON’T LAUGH AT ME DIARYI even tried to learn some moves, but the only person in the whole caravan who knows how to dance is the worst human I’ve ever seen. He has ears that are bigger then me and Ollie combined. He wears his ears like a fucking kimono. HE. WEARS. HIS. EARS. And his dancing isn’t even dancing. He just bobs around and hums. I already know how to do that. I do that all the time. Is that dancing? I just wanna dance with somebody… I wanna feel the heat with somebody.

Mom, I've Run Away & Joined the Circus
Also, where are you & dad?

So I guess me and Ollie are part of a circus now. It’s pretty cool. I get to travel around with him and steal – i mean earn – gold from dumb farmers and fancy pantsed rich guys. They’re all so dumb. The circus is pretty cool except for one part – THERE’S CAT PEOPLE HERE! 20 FOOT TALL FIRE BREATHING FELINES! Fucking OLLIE makes us join the ONE CIRCUS that has a god-damned FIRE SPITTING TIGER. Diary, if you find me burned to a crisp and getting eaten by a tiger in a dress, it was the tiger that did it. Also, there’s a lady thing who’s like a shadow but also like a person and stuff. I don’t know where she’s from and she always just laughs when I ask her. She’s cool though. I saw her cram herself into this little box and even Ollie was like impressed. I’ve never impressed Ollie… OH! And there’s this fox lady who’s kinda cool. But also like, dumb. She never even drank before she met us and now she’s like chugging brandy allllll day. She’s out of control. I looooove it. I love her?

So anywhoo’s, remember that skinny white chick that threw Ollie like 1000 feet and almost exploded him? Well, her name is Phee, and she’s the leader of the circus. She says we gotta listen to her and not steal stuff all the time, but yeah right. Anyway, she makes us go into the fancy pants guys house, named like Gnomey McBadguy or something, and we had to ‘entertain’ them because they said so. So, instead, I just did super good at my cups game and they gave me like almost a million gold. And then Phee tells us (me & Ollie, and the shadow lady and foxy mc-drunkenstein) that we have to rob this Gnomey guy, and I’m like, duh 10 steps ahead of you.

So we do our cup stuff, scam them outta a bazillion golds, and then go rummaging through their castle, and we find this chest with three locks on it. And like, I could EASILY pick them, but Phee said not to, so I don’t. Anyways, I make shadow lady carry it and we sneak out and climb through some trees and bushes and stuff and run back to the circus camp thing, and give the chest to Phee and she WONT EVEN OPEN IT IN FRONT OF US! So she takes it into her wagon (by the way, Ollie said we’d have a wagon, and we totally dont) and I try to go see what she’s doing and all of a sudden the door to the wagon flies open and theres this 400 ft tall guy made outta dirt and he has this stupid backpack on and he said something to us. I don’t remember what, but I bet Ollie does with his big stupid people brain. Anyway, he said something and now I’m over here writing in you. This is my life now. Stupid giant dirt people, fire breathing cats, drunk foxes, shadow ladies that hide in boxes, and Ollie. What the fuck happened?

I HATE these goblins!
They're all dead now though

We brought the gigantic case back to Fie (which I carried ALL by myself) and after she locked herself away for like an hour, then there was a flash of light and I saw Raena and Andy (or Ollie I can’t tell, all rats look the same to me) flip their shit. Then some giant guy with a backpack walks out. He is like 10 feet tall and then starts talking to everyone WITHOUT MOVING HIS LIPS! I wanted to know everything about him and wouldn’t answer any of MY questions! Fie said he was gonna join the troupe so that’s cool I guess…. I don’t feel comfortable with him in my mind or however he’s talking to us. Everyone said they went to bed but Andy and Ollie did something that cause a whole ton of problems cause there were guards looking for them. We didn’t tell anyone where they were because they disappeared and I thought we left them when we left in the morning.

The next day I got to meet an awesome rabbit actor named Thumper and she started to teach me how to act in some plays with her and the rest of the troupe. I am gonna use the skills I learn to blend into human society better.

After I was learning from her we decided to settle for the night and we got attacked by these little plant dolls that smelled like garbage. They started to attack the caravan and after me and Kirie killed like 20 of these things each (I swear I had like 15 headshots) Andy and Ollie decide to show up and run around like rats with their tails cut off, Raena spent like an hour trying to kill just one of those garbage dolls and finally poked it with a dagger or something weak like that.

Of course while me and Kirie are doing the brunt of the fighting coughandyollieraena did nothing to stop another group of goblins from stealing EVERYTHING including Fie’s lute!

Fie made us all go together find the dirty goblins that took everything. I tracked the goblins to a small cave where there was a guy riding a tiny gecko that andy/ollie wanted. I didn’t want it so I was like you can take it. Then all of a sudden the rats climb up above the goblin and push a huge rock on top of him and squished the shit out of him and his gecko, the gecko was still alive and then andy/ollie slit it’s throat. He was sad though I don’t think you can be so sad after cold blooded murder of the pet you wanted, and I couldn’t help but laugh when we found a health potion right after that.

In the cave we went down and I went near a hole and some goblin WHORE stabbed me. I screamed I thought I was gonna die. FUCK THAT GOBLIN! NO ONE helped me except raena (she’s awesome) she gave me a potion and I felt better as I licked my wounds they started closing it was crazy.

We heard some crazy chanting and went through the big entrance cause we were all too big to go through tiny goblin holes. We came to this big area and there were these fat crazy ugly smelly goblins sitting in chairs. The fattest and biggest one (which was only like 4 feet tall) clapped and some giant flying mutant monster. Raena was like FUUUUUCK THAT and tried to attack the fat goblins on the throne and got stabbed a bunch.
I shot the flying goblin a bunch and then it started flying, and THEN I saw that there were a bunch of braziers hanging above the stupid thing so I closed my eyes and then did what I do in the troupe and shot an arrow at the brazier and then EXPLODED the entire cave! There was fire and explosions chains flying EVERYWHERE then I killed all of the tiny goblins, and SEVERELY hurt the flying goblin and the fat ass king goblin. It then fell out of the sky and then andy/ollie did some cool move or whatever and sliced him up…..AFTER I did most of the work….I guess

The king goblin then decides to come down and try to fight but I put a fucking arrow through his brain and he went down like garbage that they are. I was mad at getting hurt earlier.

After I murdered everything (naturally) we find the items that the goblins stole. Andy/Ollie picks up Fie’s lute and TRIES TO PLAY IT. He broke one of the strings and then his brother snatches it up and yells at him for being a dummy. He gives me the lute but the one that played the lute said he wasn’t gonna admit to breaking it so I give it back so he can be the one to explain what happened. THEN HE PLAYS IT AGAIN! AND BROKE ANOTHER STRING!!! UGH I hate him so much!
Fie is gonna kill him so much, that’ll be fun to watch his brother become an only child.

Eventually we leave and then Bodam the mongoloid human with GIGANTIC ears is flying and sees us, he takes us back and now that rat has to explain what happened to Fie’s lute. I’m excited but scared she’s gonna blame all of us for something that dummy broke on his own accord.

I HATE Writing In This Dumb Book
But OLLIE Thinks I Should...

Dear Diary,
I hope you had a good day. Well good for you, because I didn’t.

Ollie says I should write stuff in you, so that’s what I’m doing. Even though it’s stupid. Who is going to read this? I’m not. I wrote it. Dumb dumb dumb. I’m watching him write stuff right now. He’s probably talking about smart things, like numbers and clouds and outer space. Not me. I’m just going to write about what happened today I guess, in case I forget or something.

So me and Ollie had this cool plan where I was going to do my little cup game, you know, spinning them around and taking stupid peoples money, while Ollie is supposed to sneak around and take even more money from even stupider people. Well diary, guess who’s the stupider? It’s Ollie. I’m doing my cups just perfect, making like a hundred gold, and all of a sudden Chunky-Paw’s McFancytalker tries to grab this HUGE bag of gold from this merchant lady, and she’s like YEAH RIGHT and she turns around and see’s him, then outta no where, this skinny little white chick poofs up behind Ollie and sends his furry ass FLYING across the market, like 100 feet. So once again, it’s my job to save the day. Typical. So I throw my table and knock out like 20 people, I run through the crowd like greased fuckin’ lightening, knocking people over, doing backflips and stuff, and I make it to Ollie, and he’s all stupified and just standing there so I grab him and we run off into the sewers. So he starts complaining about the smells and how the poop water is ruining his fancy pants and stuff, and I’m like yeah but its your fault! So anyways we run around in the sewer for like 2 seconds and get away from the merchant and guards and stuff. So we get outta the sewers over by the docks, and then Ollie’s like “Oh you lost our cups it’s all your fault we’re going to be poor again” so I am like yeah right!

So we go to this bar, and I’m like, watch this, and I grab like 20 cups and I throw this huge one at the bartender and he’s like “Just take what you want and leave please!” so of course I take all the cups and like some gold and stuff too. No one even tried to stop us because they just know how tough and fast we are. Then, we saw that crazy bitch that smacked Ollie! And I’m like 1 inch away from cutting her head off with 1 swoop, and Ollie’s like wait lets talk. So they talk about I don’t know what, and all of a sudden we’re in some traveling carnival? I mean I GUESS it’s better than a sewer but like BARELY. Okay diary I have to go poop now so goodbye.

ps- don’t listen to Ollie because this is what really happened. He’s probably making himself look like the hero but you know the truth. I love you diary.

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