Morning: So me and Ollie stole like, the coolest elf stuff from those rich gnomes. Everything went sooooo smooth. We even tricked some dumb human guard and got him to follow us into the woods. And holy shit, we slaughtered him in the blink of an eye. I jumped up on his back and stabbed him in the heart, while Ollie slid under his legs and disemboweled him. It was bloody and gory and basically the best moment of my whole entire life. Anyways, we got all this cool elf stuff and we had it hanging underneath one of the wagons, so that no one would find it. Then, like, all of a sudden, these little gibbering plant bastards and goblins started attacking us, and Kiri was all like PEEKEW POW POOCHOO or whatever. It wasn’t as impressive as everyone else makes it sound. Like, I’m pretty sure I can do all of that. Either way, we started fighting like crazy barbarians!
Anyways, so we obviously slaughtered like all 900 million of them, but not before they stole some shit of Phee’s. And of COURSE, guess who has to go get it back? Us! And by us I mean Ollie and me, plus that felching girl and the foxy one. It was mostly garbage so I don’t know why we had to get it back, except for one thing. Her sweet sweet lute. I want to play with it so bad… I wonder if it’s elven? I dont even care if it’s elven, I’m going to play the shit out of it. Anyways, off to find Phee’s stupid garbage. Not exactly what I had planned when I joined a circus. I’ll write more after we do this.
Not morning: HOLY. FUCKING. RATBALLS. OK! So, we just killed an entire city of goblins. There was fire, sweet sweet balls of fire that rained down from the ceiling. I don’t even know how! I’m pretty sure that the foxy lady did that somehow. I’ll have to ask her later. OH, I made an abalanche, and it squished a dude. Unfortunately, it also squished the sweet baby dragon he was riding. I wanted to save the baby dragon, (Which I named Mr Cuddles), but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, OLLIE said we had to KILL it because it was bleeding and crippled and dying or something. So I cut its throat, and like, TWO SECONDS LATER, BAM! Health potion. I could be writing this from the back of a god damn dragon, but instead I’m walking around like some common rat.
Me and Ollie are basically the best out of everyone though. I mean, sure, foxy made a cave explode with fire and stuff, but she also got stabbed in the gut by looking in a dark hole. What a dumb dumb. I never look in dark holes without making Ollie do it first. Anyways, so we killed all the dumb goblins, got Phee’s stuff back, and SOMEHOW, a string broke. And then another one. I’m not pointing tails, but if I remember correctly, it was totally absolutely 100% Ollie.
Also, diary…. I don’t know if I ever told anyone this, not even Ollie… but I didn’t always wanna be the super master thief assassin that I am today… when I was a little baby rat…. I wanted to dance. DON’T LAUGH AT ME DIARYI even tried to learn some moves, but the only person in the whole caravan who knows how to dance is the worst human I’ve ever seen. He has ears that are bigger then me and Ollie combined. He wears his ears like a fucking kimono. HE. WEARS. HIS. EARS. And his dancing isn’t even dancing. He just bobs around and hums. I already know how to do that. I do that all the time. Is that dancing? I just wanna dance with somebody… I wanna feel the heat with somebody.